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Al-Ahram Weekly 23 - 29 March 2000 Issue No. 474 
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Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875 |
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Al-Ahram Weekly 23 - 29 March 2000 Issue No. 474
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| Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875 |
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Egypt Region International Economy Opinion Culture Features Focus Travel Living Sports Profile People Time Out Chronicles Cartoons Survival of the boldest
By Fayza Hassan
"Only at a gambling table can one really know one's neighbour," my husband used to say. Not a gambler myself, I was never fully illuminated by this particular bit of wisdom, but on a different level, I can match my husband's belief with an equally incisive verity: "Only at the wheel of a car can true character be revealed." Few besmirching adjectives describing drivers' behaviour can be considered a novelty today, none in any case that I have not already used at one time or another and in various languages. Now, however, I find myself in the position of discovering an entirely uninvestigated field of car owners' wickedness, which behooves serious psychological exploration. I am referring to people's new parking habits and the aggressive tendencies that are growing by the day, in equal proportion to the diminution of available space.
Not so long ago, we lived on a semi-deserted street, which featured more bougainvillea than high-rise apartment buildings. Slowly, new constructions began to sprout informally, sharing some common traits: they were large, expensive, catering to the affluent, car-endowed middle classes and were noticeably deprived of precious underground garages where a multi-car family could be encouraged to put away any one of their several vehicles. Attracted by the perspective of huge profits, landlords successfully managed to lease to eager supermarket and boutique owners the garages that they are required by -- unenforced -- law to provide for their tenants, and which would have normally served the useful purpose of keeping our street relatively uncluttered. Consequently, a number of cars, whose collective length largely exceeds that of the street, are now vying for parking space. Normally, one would expect of a respectable neighbourhood that a policy of first come first served would apply, but this apparently does not suit the distinguished new arrivals. It is altogether too egalitarian, and not sufficiently indicative of who is who in the street. To tip the odds in one's favour, several methods are being practiced and seem to be rapidly entering the mores of our distinguished elite. To ease my frustration, I have compiled a short list of the various ways by which one can secure a permanent parking spot in my neighbourhood these days:
1. If you can afford several cars, buy them big enough to block the whole street when in motion, and at least half of it when stationed.
2. Do not park all your cars in front of your own building. Rather, scatter them in such a way as to inconvenience the largest possible number of neighbours.
3. Hire a driver whose only job will be to lie in wait and pounce on the best parking spots as they become available. If you absolutely have to go out, instead of redeeming hard-won territory, take a taxi.
4. If you cannot afford a full-fledged driver, hire a thug (a particularly aggressive bawwab or gardener will do): to secure your space while you are gone, he will mark your dominion with sharp, heavy rocks pried off the devastated footpath and plant on each side of this improvised barricade a couple of official-looking iron poles sporting the words 'No Barking', 'No Bark' or a crossed-out P, according to the writer's proficiency in English. Make sure, however, that your thug is waiting when you return, lest you are forced humiliatingly to lug the obstructions away yourself to regain your space.
5. If neither rocks nor thugs are readily available, train your bawwab (or gardener) to apply the following technique: he should watch indifferently while a stranger is appropriating your favourite spot, let him/her gather his/her numerous parcels, lock the car and begin to walk away. At this point he should call the offender and inform him/her that "the Pasha is about to arrive, and this is his private parking space," implying by his body language that it would not be a good idea to cross the Pasha. Since only the particularly timid yield to this ploy, however, he should be instructed in the use of other verbal threats, evoking the accidents that a car parked in this particular spot may incur, should its owner be foolish enough to ignore the Pasha's ire.
6. Finally, if you are lucky enough to be a lesser officer in a minor embassy but are still entitled to some protection, use those whose job is to watch over you to guard your parking space instead. Unlike that of the bawwab, their position carries a degree of official authority which may impress those not bold enough to take a wild gamble for the sake of securing a parking spot. After all, you and they know by now that you are perfectly safe, so why deprive your watchmen of a chance to be helpful?
Having been exposed to all of the above, and before I relinquish my legitimate parking space once and for all, I will try one more experiment. One evening, coming home late from work, I will abandon my car in the middle of the road. In the morning, I will refuse to move it until my car owner's rights are fully honoured and I am allowed to align my vehicle along the demolished footpath (taken over now by the potted plants of the florist across the street) below our building, just like I used to do before the invasion.
