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2 - 8 November 2000
Issue No. 506
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Front Page

Deciphering ZNN

By Maan Abu Ghazaleh

I need order in my life! So, with that in mind, I have written a (much) Abridged Dictionary of ZNN (Zionist News Network) Lexicon. It seems that ZNN has invented a new language that has stolen many words from English but has altered their meanings. This is my humble attempt to decipher this new language.

Siege: (n) You are under siege when you blockade a civilian population and bombard them with anti-tank missiles. In order to be truly under siege, your own population must be virtually isolated from any violence and must continue to work and play as normal while the population that is besieging you must be cut off from all phones, electricity, gas and other amenities and have their population picked off one by one by snipers (the snipers thereby being "under siege").

Reservist: (n) A person who is paid to infiltrate civilian populations and execute individuals in cold blood as long as he is not dressed in fatigues.

Opposition Leader: (n) War criminal.

Secretary of State: (n) War criminal in a skirt.

Cross-fire: (n) Forty-five minutes worth of bullets fired by a sniper at a cowering, defenseless child.

Britt Hume: (n) Rabid.

US Media: (n) Material considered too hawkish for Israeli media.

Gunman: (n) A 10 year-old boy walking to school.

Settler: (n) A person who steals land, kills its occupants and burns their olive trees, all in the name of God.

Clash: (v) an encounter in which snipers shoot at children who retaliate by attacking the bullets with their bodies.

Middle East Expert: (n) Israeli who can speak English without an accent.

Israeli Right: (n) Israelis who want all Arabs to fly away.

Israeli Left: (n) Israelis who want Arabs to stay and do the dishes.

Headline: (n) Anything uttered by an Israeli official, e.g. Three Lost Israeli Reservists Lynched by Palestinian Mob

Footnote: (n) Anything stated by eyewitnesses, usually appearing in the last paragraph of a long article, e.g. "...Palestinians claim that the reservists were actually part of a death squad and claim that it would be impossible for a person to end up in the middle of Ramallah by accident since that would require crossing an Israeli checkpoint, a Palestinian checkpoint, and traversing about 20 cross streets."

Honest Broker: (n) A country that provides $4.5 billion in aide to one side, and admits having a "special relationship" with that side.

Related stories:
Shifting borders
The Intifada this time
'Those times are over'
Snipers, gunships and now death squads
'Our blood is sacred too'
Blaming the victim
Exporting typhoid and guns
It's war -- virtually
Arab journalists join the fray
Blinded by the truth
Deciphering ZNN
The message is the medium
Also see Focus on Intifada 26 Oct. - 1 Nov. 2000
and Focus on Intifada 19 - 25 October 2000

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