7 - 13 March 2002
Issue No.576
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Al-Ahram Weekly Online 7 - 13 March 2002 Issue No.576 |
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Learning to handle marriage
"Go to a total stranger and pour out my marital troubles? No way!" Rana Allam probes the reaction to marriage counselling -- a relatively new service in Egypt
Marriage is the strongest bond between two strangers -- or so they say. It is an institution that has survived centuries despite all the hardships involved. Two strangers are suddenly put in a situation where they are supposed to dedicate themselves to becoming one.
Old problem, no new fixes: An unhappy woman (Faten Hamama) tries to divorce her husband (Rushdi Abaza) who refuses, in the 1975 movie "I want a Solution"
It is a very difficult task considering that each person was brought up in a different home, and may be from a different background and have different values. Certainly, each will have their own habits and, more importantly, a distinct psychological make-up. Sometimes the trick to managing all of these variables is to bring in the experts on this most intimate of relationships.
In Egypt, and probably the whole of the Middle East, this "qualified help" tends to be the wife's mother because it is typically the wife who is forthcoming about marital difficulties. According to psychiatrists, men rarely seek help, if ever. It is part of their upbringing to blame the woman and rest assured that "he is perfect" -- just as his mommy says. But for at least a decade now, many couples have found traditional ways of resolving their troubles to be inadequate and are turning to professional marriage counsellors.
The pattern that has evolved, according to Dr Khalil Fadel, psychiatrist and marriage counsellor, follows: "The wife seeks help first, then we discover that there is a major problem with the husband. We invite the husband and sometimes we have to trick him into coming to sessions by telling him that his presence is required to help his wife recover. And sometimes they still refuse to attend." In many cases women seek psychiatric help, only to discover after a few sessions that the problem is either the husband or the marriage.
Fadel argues that couples should be counselled by two psychiatrists -- a male therapist for the wife and a female one for the husband, otherwise therapy would be insufficient.
The number of sessions needed and the outcome of therapy depend on the couple. "The only consistent pattern in Egypt is that the wife seeks help -- not the husband," says Fadel. The social background of those requesting counselling varies, although finances can be a determining factor in the duration of therapy, with limited-income couples attending only a few sessions.
The average age of those who seek help ranges between 28 and 40, and typically they have been married for approximately 10 years. Usually the men who make the first move to obtain counselling are very wealthy, young, newly married and complain of sexual problems. They tend to abandon counselling as soon as the therapist requests the wife's presence. The newest phenomenon is wealthy engaged couples who seek advice prior to marriage, but such an occurrence is relatively rare.
"Upper-middle-class couples are the worst in handling these situations," says Fadel. Most of the married women from such a class background approached by Al-Ahram Weekly said that when they broached the subject of counselling with their husbands, the men vehemently refused to participate. Common answers in such situations include: "Do you want me to go to a total stranger and tell him my most personal problems?" or "Who is he [the doctor] to tell me how to treat my wife?" or "Follow the religious rules that specify the rights and duties of married couples and you won't need therapy."
But the fear of pouring one's heart out in front of a stranger is not particular to men. Some middle- and upper-class women are reluctant to divulge their problems. "I would not reveal my family secrets to a stranger or even a relative," says a young woman who has a very turbulent relationship with her husband. Another said, "What good would it do to tell my husband what I think of him? He will probably divorce me and then what am I supposed to do with my life or kids?"
And women with children are often quite desperate to keep their families together. "The doctor helped me to see the good things about my husband and I am working on this and trying to build on it, for the sake of my daughters."
Couples from lower-middle-class backgrounds seem to be getting more out of therapy. One case ran like this: "We left the doctor's office, practically beating each other up all the way to my family's home where we actually continued, scandalising everyone. He ran after me to hit me and I held a knife to his face, and we started recounting what each of us said about the other to the doctor. Things like 'I have a big belly? I eat like a pig?' and he would say 'I'm a miser? You eat a kilo of meat every day or a whole chicken on your own, and you call me a miser?' All of a sudden, as I stood their with the knife in my hand, facing my husband on the other side of the dining room table, we both burst into laughter. We went home and everything has been smooth since then, with the exception, of course, of the occasional fight which we have learned to handle."
It seems that "learning to handle" things is key to a successful marriage. "My husband is crazy; counselling did not change that! However, it taught me how to deal with him and avoid his craziness. It really helped, because I don't want to get a divorce," says a young mother.
In other instances, however, the counsellor's office is merely the last step on the road to divorce. "Sometimes men cannot handle that their wives see them from a certain perspective or have kept many things bottled up for years," says Fadel.
And sometimes this is a good thing. "When people have a severe personality disorder that cannot be treated, it is quite impossible for them to have successful marriages," says Fadel. Other factors that wreak havoc with marriage include unpredictable behaviour by one of the pair, tranquiliser addiction, impotence, the stress of raising children, miserly behaviour and a dearth of shared interests.
Amicable divorces in Egypt are extremely rare, accounting for no more than one per cent of divorces, says Fadel. Marriage counselling, he asserts, can help people to get divorced in a way that respects the needs of both parties. The most acrimonious divorces that Fadel is acquainted with have been among the upper-middle-class and intellectuals.
Fadel attributes the intransigence that he has witnessed among Egyptian men concerning divorce to a variety of factors. Sometimes a man is having extramarital affairs and wants to keep his home intact as a sort of social "cover;" in other cases he may be seeking financial gain; while other instances reveal a man to be possessive. But whenever a woman asks her husband for a divorce, says Fadel, Egyptian men tend to view it as an insult to their manhood.
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