21 - 27 March 2002
Issue No.578
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Al-Ahram Weekly Online 21 - 27 March 2002 Issue No.578 |
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Are men from Mars?
My generation was given only one piece of serious advice: find yourself a husband who will provide for you properly, have a couple of healthy kids and then bask in the glory of your success. Many young Egyptian women managed these steps with relative ease but, once they had completed their assignment, to the great consternation of their elders, they began to demand more.
"But there isn't any more," said their mothers dismissively. "You have been reading too many novels. Your father has spoiled you. He let you believe that life owed you something special. When I was your age..." This did not exactly fill the daughters' needs. A few divorced, most developed chronic depression, and a minority resumed their studies and sought a career. At home, however, they remained the traditional compliant wives that they were expected to be, skillfully balancing their job with their housewifely obligations. In time, they learned to regard their husbands as one of their sons. Many stayed because the men were still the major breadwinners and because the status of divorcee was frowned upon.
Most women of my generation, tried to make sure that their own daughters would not have to depend materially on a "life partner." That was their vindication. Meanwhile, unfortunately, they failed to warn their sons that the wind of change was blowing. Young boys' education remained traditional and they were still brought up in the belief that they were the bee's knees. Pretty young things would be fighting for the privilege of attracting their attention, they were told repeatedly. It was their birthright to pick and choose. Their role model remained their father and, when they came of age, they aspired to find a bride that would remind them of their (apparently) submissive mothers. They found none. Armed with degrees and the capacity to earn a comfortable living, brides-to-be looked down their noses at the new crop of males on offer. They found them boring, lacking a sense of humour, sloppy, pretentious, often vulgar when congregating with their mates and generally inept in the art of courtship. To add insult to injury, they were no longer good providers. In many spheres, women were making as much as or more than the men their age. They had fewer difficulties finding a job and were often in the position to find intellectual fulfilment in what they were doing.
"Why should I marry?" asked a young woman impatiently. "I have an excellent job, an apartment, a car and enough money to travel whenever and wherever my whim takes me; what can a husband possibly give me?" Companionship was mentioned, and children. "Men are no fun," she sniffed. "Once married, they do not even want to go out with their wives, which would be their only saving grace. They can't dance and most of them fret about the cost of dinner or staying up late. Those who enjoy nightlife end up ogling other women. As for children... my best friend has a small son. He is not from Mars, he is from Satan. Who would deliberately risk creating such a monster?"
The sad truth is that men are no longer in great demand. They are about to become redundant. They may not know it yet, but women are having a lovely time without them. They go to restaurants and on holiday together. They joke and laugh and always have something interesting to say. They share expenses without bitterness. Men who might stand a fighting chance of winning over such brilliant creatures would have a hard time fitting the new bill. "The man I would go for does not exist," a beautiful, unmarried 30-year-old woman asserted. Asked to elaborate, she laughed: "Where would I find someone reasonably good looking, fastidious about personal hygiene and tidy with his belongings, preferably tall, independently wealthy but busy nevertheless, a good dancer, always funny and good-tempered, with impeccable table manners and dress sense, generous to a fault, always ready to shower me with flowers and little presents (larger ones will not go amiss provided they are in good taste) and willing to devote his life to making me happy?" Where indeed...
Meanwhile, divorces are multiplying. They are no longer acrimonious. The parting couple, more often than not, remains on friendly terms, unmistakable proof that the first strong feelings died of their own accord, killed by the total lack of interest in the relationship. Children are becoming used to sharing their days between part-time parents, and since the myth of the happy family no longer exists, who can say if they are better or worse off?
Many young women I know would not mind having a child "one day" -- "but do I have to keep the father?" they ask in dismay. They consider marriage and childbearing a phase in their lives, not their raison d'être. "I was a child, a teenager, I am now an adult. I want to be a wife, a mother and then a full-time individual. Is that too much to hope for?" a young woman asked a prospective husband. "I don't need a man to stick around for the rest of my life. I have places to go and things to do." She never saw him again.
If men are from Mars, the logical course of action open to them now is to return to their planet and only come down when they have become worthy of the new, improved Venus.
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