Issue No. 609
Features
Previous issue
Site map
|
|
24 - 30 October 2002 Issue No. 609 Features |
Current issue Previous issue Site map | |
| Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875 | Recommend this page | ||
Who's eaten Dubya's porridge?
Haim Bresheeth* resumes his fly-on-the-wall, exclusive and top-secret coverage of happenings in very high places. Below are the transcripts of two meetings, the first of which took place in a Texan ranch, while the second was held in an oval office
Minutes of the Special Task Force for Healing the US Economy Present:
Dubya a President
Donnie a Secretary (of Defence)
Connie a Special Adviser
Dickie a Vice-President
Mickey an operative of the Disney Corporation
Aide 1 a representative of the CIA
Aide 2 a representative of the FBI
Aide 3 a representative of an unnamed security organisation
Dubya:
So all you guys are sittin' on your fannies, so lets us jus' start this agenda herewith, so we can give some time to our friend Mickey here from the Disney outfit, seeing them are thinkin' of one hell of a movie with us in it, so quiet everyone! Now is there some stuff you guys need before we get to discuss the main business of this here film?
Connie:
Mr President, Sir! I wish to remind you that we have not settled the matter of an attack on Iraq! With time getting close to 9/11, we need to provide the public with some results, and they have been listening to you for months, and expect this attack to take place any minute. Can we settle this date first?
Dubya:
Listen here, Connie! I don't need no lecture from no one on that Iraqi bastard, no Sir! I talked to Daddy about this here business, and he reckons first better to sort out them financial messes Dickie and me are...
Dickie:
Now, Dubya, you promised quite clearly that nothing will be said about this! Now all this stuff was ages ago, who remembers what it was and why? I don't want to talk about it, and you promised!
Donnie:
Mr President, Dubya! I reckon Dickie here has a point -- what has he done that everyone else hadn't done? A man is not even allowed to make a few honest bucks any more!
Dubya:
You guys is off the agenda, I reckon! I tell you Daddy said to sort out the mess first! Anyways, I think all this is sorted -- I signed some order today which gives our special forces permission to kill whoever they see fit, wherever they are on the globe, so it is just a question of time before that bastard Saddam is dispatched and all! So why send all them planes there, when we don't need them?
Connie:
Dubya! I don't quite believe this -- you signed an assassination decree? But this is against Presidential Order 1346 signed by Gerald Ford! Your order may be illegal!
Dubya:
What the hell you talking 'bout, Connie? Who is this Gerald Ford? What does he think himself to be, signing orders? I am gonna get him in a flash!
Donnie:
Yea, Connie, who is this guy, never heard of him for sure!
Aide 1:
Mr President, Sir! Mr Ford was the president of the United States, last century. He indeed signed such an order, and your order may well be in breach of...
Dubya:
What president? When was he elected? Who cares if...
Aide 2:
Mr President, Sir! Actually, he was a Democrat. He was not exactly elected, you see, but...
Donnie:
Huh! You see, Dubya -- you are not the first one, there was already a president who was not elected! That is great news! Say, do people know about this? Probably we need some PR on this, so people know that is the American way. Could you guys do a movie on this here Gerry Ford, so people find out about it? There is too much little knowledge about, you know!
Mickey:
Why, Secretary of Defense, we could probably cook something about this guy -- which century was he president in?
Connie:
Aren't we loosing the thread here, Mr Chairman? I doubt that your order would stand up in court! I think we ought to stick to the general plan worked out by the services for a regime change in Iraq, rather than depend on illegal orders...
Dubya:
I will say this to you now Connie, and will say it only once! I am the guy who says what goes! I am the President of the Free World, and the leader of this great nation of ours, which gave the world Humble Pie and French Fries! If I say it is legal, you can bet your fanny on it! Do you get my meaning? I also discussed this with General Sharon, and he thinks it's a grand idea, so who are you to question this?
Donnie:
Anyway, what is all the mumbo-jumbo? What is this regime-change talk? Whatsit mean?
Aide 2:
Mr President, Sir! The service's plan for regime change was based on the swift removal of the titular head of the Iraqi Republic, Mr Saddam Hussein, and his seamless replacement by forces friendly to the USA, making use of our control of the many Iraqi ex-generals now vying for power. The process will be assisted by massive bombing from the ground, air, sea and outer-space, and an invasion army of over a quarter-million troops, which will guarantee freedom, democracy and free-trade, especially Hollywood movies.
Dubya:
Listen, all this is getting on my nerves! I can't stand this Iraqi business no more! What kind of presidency is this? First, I get attacked by a Pretzel with no CIA around, then the Twin Towers, afterwards this Saddam guy is making fun of me and Daddy, and now they drag out this little business of me and Dickie here, I tell you I really had enough! Nobody told me it's gonna be like that! I want to get to the business at hand, and discuss how we can all be stars in this here movie!
Connie:
I suggest that we agree to accept a double-wammy approach -- the special forces shall dispose of Saddam, and the regular forces will deal with the regime-change, in the way described! The president just needs to sign another order, allowing the forces to start the war whenever we feel it is right to do so. No need to waste time with Congress.
Dubya:
I don't want this war now, in the middle of my annual holiday! I am going to be on the ranch for some weeks, you know. Anyway, Daddy does not like this war anymore... and all of those Republicans coming out and saying it ain't such a hot idea... I think this war business should happen when I am in town, we'll have to time it well.
Connie:
Now, Mr President! I insist that we agree now on this war, without delay! It was your father who did not get Saddam when he could! Do you want to be remembered as the second Bush in the White House who failed to get Saddam? Think about it -- you lose the election, and then watch Saddam on CNN making fun of your presidency! So Saddam will wait for your son in the White House? Now is the time, Dubya! All those fuddy-daddies who speak against are just so much mush!
Dubya:
I see! When you put it like this...yeah...Daddy is a bit soft, you know... he was not up to this job, if you ask me. I think, gentlemen, that Connie here has an argument! Who is for a war in September?
Aide 3:
Mr President, Sir! The preferred date is October, if you don't mind, so as to clear the Jewish holidays.
Dubya:
October it is, then! Settled, done and quartered! Now Mickey here is dying to tell us about the new contract for the best Disney film ever! Fire away, Mickey.
Mickey:
Thank you, Mr President, Sir! Now the corporation will be pleased to offer each of you a unique contract to appear in our projected hit of 2004, Dubya Hits Back! This is going to eclipse all hits in history, I am positive of it! We plan an educational action movie based on real characters from the White House, and you are to get most lucrative contracts...
Connie:
Hang on a mo, Mickey! You mean you are going to animate our characters, with funny voices and all?
Mickey:
Well, to begin with, that was the plan. You know, animated characters are like... funnier?
Dubya:
Hey, Michael, I take exception to what you just said there! We not funny enough? I say to you -- don't misunderestimate me and my friends here!
Mickey:
Yeah... it also occurred to me... and we could save time on animation...
Dickie:
And money!
Mickey:
Coming to think of it, you guys will do fine... can you do funny voices?
Dubya:
Who, me?
The deal between the White House and the Disney Corporation is still under wraps, but we promise our readers an update as soon as details emerge. A quarter of a million soldiers are now preparing for a regime change, either in Iraq or in the USA, whichever comes first.
Dubya strikes again
Minutes of the weekly meeting of the Iraq Regime-Change Committee
Present:
Dubya a President
Donnie a Secretary (of Defence)
Connie a Special Adviser
Dickie a Vice-President
Mickey an operative of the Disney Corporation
Aide 1 a representative of the CIA
Aide 2 a representative of the FBI
Aide 3 a representative of the National Office of Home Security
Dubya:
...So you're tellin' me all the troops are on their waythere?
Donnie:
Sure thing, Dubya. We ain't hangin' round when it's time to kick arse, No Sir! And Christmas is comin' so we need to have them in position in good time. Just ordered 250,000 Christmas puddings, Yes Sir! We got some on the cheap, from last year, for the Brits, ha ha...
Connie:
Hey Donnie, Tony is not going to like this much!
Donnie:
Well, who is going to tell him? Not me! Goin' to war is not a party, you know. And this is without mentioning the Turkeys. Did we have problems raising all those Turkeys at short notice! But we are working on it. Not to mention 10,000 Father Christmases, now that is a challenge, I tell you!
Dubya:
Hey, Donnie, say, aren't them Turkeys comin' from Turkey? That's why they called that, innit? Jus' get the lot from the bloody Turks, they are our allies, after all!
Aide 2:
Turns out, Mr President, Sir, that the Turks don't have any Turkeys in stock.
Dubya:
So what they eatin' for Christmas, the buggers? Pretzels?
Aide 1:
Mr President, Sir! Seems we are going to get Turkey supplies from the Israelis, in return for our offer to protect them from Saddam's missiles. They might be able to get us the Father Christmases too.
Dickie:
What? Jew-boys for Father Christmases?! Isn't this going too far?
Aide 1:
Not to worry, Dickie, they are going to ship them in from Thailand.
Aide 3:
Speaking of which, Mr President, Sir, we are quite outraged in the Agency with Mr Sharon, going to Gaza and killing civilians by the bucketload, just as Tony Baloney is rushing around the globe, trying his damn best to patch up a coalition. This could cost us the Arab world. I think you should warn this mania... the general, Sir. He can't do this now, of all times.
Connie:
You needn't worry about this, Dubya, I have written to Mr Sharon to order a delay on massacres, deportations and ethnic cleansing for the duration of this war, and for a week after it's finished. He can do it all then, not now.
Dubya:
Good plan, Connie! That Sharon is causing us a real headache! I have half-a-mind to tell him he is next in line for regime-change!
Aide 3:
Yeah, and he has weapons of mass-destruction, not to mention biological and chemical warfare! And he refuses to leave the occupied territories, and...
Donnie:
Hey, hey, who's this guy? You want to get us into trouble with the Jews? And before an election? Don't you remember what happened to Dubya's father? Just shut up. No regime-change in Jerusalem!
Dubya:
Yeah, I suppose you got a point there, Donnie. All the same, he is a pain in the arse, ain't he? Probably we can do it after the election, with the help of them born-agains, waiting for the second coming? That's gonna be some fun...
Connie:
Mr President, Sir! We have some items on the agenda here, and we haven't even started! This regime-change is not going to be easy, after all! We found no Iraqi we can trust in the three organisations which we set up few years ago, to run the country after we take it. Some are just Iraqi nationalists, you hand it to them, and bingo -- they refuse to let you have the oil! We need to think this through.
Dubya:
You right there, Connie, never trust any of them Airabs! I say we elect their president at the same time as ours! Actually, I could be their president, also! It's no sweat, really! What do you think? I would like this very much! What do you say, Connie? Then they have a demographically-elected president, and can join the Free World!
Mickey:
I think this is a great line, Dubya! You could also be voted in by 100 per cent of the population, like Saddam! Wouldn't that be the ultimate?! I am going to put this in the script!
Aide 1:
Very true! You may have hit on something, Mr President, Sir! An American administration can resolve all the problems of trust in the locals. Some of those Iraqi generals you cannot trust to go to war with the Saudis, when that comes up!
Dubya:
Hey, which war is that, huh? I never heard about this new war!? When am I going to go for a Christmas break, with all those wars? When did it start?
Donnie:
Dubya, there is not a war with the Saudis, yet. He is referring to Plan 'Gulf Oil 3', which you approved last week, taking the newly liberated Iraqi army into war with Saudi Arabia, to teach them a little lesson! That is not planned until next year. Nothing to worry about now.
Dubya:
Great, Donnie, This is great news! I was worried we will have to spend the whole Christmas in Washington. How I hate this! But what are the Egyptians and those other Airabs going to think if we start this thing with the Saudis?
Donnie:
Dubya, the Egyptians never do anything, anyway. They know they are next in line for RC.
Dubya:
What's that? Never heard about it?
Aide 2:
It's the new code for regime change, issued by your office yesterday.
Dubya:
You see? It fooled me alright! I like it. So, shall I announce this here Saudi War on my weekly radio speech then? That will be fun! Even Mr Churchill did not have as many wars!
Connie:
Dubya! No one is to talk about this war until the time is right! You cannot even think about it now! I told you Dickie, not to tell him about it! Now he will go and blab about it to the media!
Dubya:
Connie, I do not like this one bit! I reckon you have an attitude problem! Me, I am the problem-resolver president, so if you guys want to be mum about this Saudi war, mum's the word. I will not talk about it even if the Germans torture me to death!
Dickie:
The Germans? What have they got to do with it?
Dubya:
Well, aren't they our enemies? That guy, what is his name? They said I was like Hitler! There is a regime-change if you ever saw one!
Connie:
I am afraid this is not helping us to finalise arrangements for the war against Saddam! You must remember that we have to have some allies in Europe! We must be very careful!
Dubya:
Look here Connie -- it is not the allies that one needs to have, it is enemies! One must have enough enemies, to switch between them as the need arises. You can never have enough enemies, you know! So stop worrying about allies, as long as we can stock up on enemies, we are OK!
Aide 3:
Mr President, Sir! There is a note here from your secretary. A tanker has been attacked near Yemen, and is burning away in the sea. This must be another Al-Qa'eda operation!
Dubya:
Who are they? Have we set them up? Where are they based?
Connie:
Dubya, really! That's the Bin Laden lot, you know, the one of the Twin Towers!
Dickie:
Haven't we got all of them in Cuba, in bright orange outfits, in them cages?
Aide 1:
As you know, gentlemen, the CIA is of the opinion that all this business in Iraq is causing us a diversion from the real task, of dealing decisively with Al-Qa'eda, once and for all. The director of the CIA...
Dubya:
Donnie, what's going on? This guy should be reported to Tennet! He is talking treason! Off with his head! Now!
Connie:
Dubya, you've got a problem. You can't do that anymore.
Dubya:
I can't? Says who? I did what I wanted in Texas, that's for sure!
Connie:
It's the constitution, you know. It's a real headache, the constitution. Anyway, he is just saying what his boss is telling him to say, so no point in sending him there.
Dubya:
You mean Bin Laden is controlling the CIA as well? I don't really...
Donnie:
Dubya, this is a difficulty we will resolve. I am thinking of sending Tennet to be our ambassador in Afghanistan. That will teach him! Anyways, it seems this here Bin Laden is still knocking around creating havoc!
Aide 2:
He sure is! A new message about a bomb blast in Bali, where 200 people have been killed. It's him alright!
Dubya:
Bali? Is that in Africa? I once saw a movie...
Connie:
You mean Mali. Bali is some island somewhere, with nasty Moslems all around.
Dubya:
Moslems? Again? I go for another regime change, and now!
Connie:
Ease off this one, Dubya. This is one of ours -- we have had a regime change there a long time ago, when the Reds were popular. We got rid of them and installed this regime. They are on our side.
Dubya:
Really? You call this on our side? And if they are, what are the Moslems doing there? If they are so nice, first get rid of all the bloody Moslems! And today!
Aide 3:
Mr President, Sir! We cannot do that! The whole population is Moslem, there are more than one hundred millions of them. They are all Moslem in Indonesia.
Dubya:
Why talk about Indonesia? I am talking about Bali! I want a regime change. Do they have weapons of mass-destruction? If they haven't, we can give them some!
Aide 1:
Mr President, Sir! I wish to reiterate Mr Tennet's message to you! As long as we put all our eggs into the Iraqi regime-change basket, then we will be ill-equipped to deal with Al-Qa'eda's continuing threat. We must abandon the Iraqi war now.
Dubya:
Why? I don't want to abandon it, we haven't even started it yet.
Aide 1:
The Agency is of the opinion that Saddam is of no consequence, and is not threatening anybody! If he is cornered, then he may well use weapons of mass-destruction!
Dubya:
Great! That is what I wanted to hear! So there is a way to flush him out with his weapons! We will attack him, so he comes out with those weapons of past-destruction, so everyone sees that I was right all the time! The war against Saddam will continue, until I start another one, do you get that? You can thank Mr Tennet for helping out!
Donnie:
You mean Ambassador Tennet, Dubya! And coming to think of it, this guy who is so careful to protect his master, can also go to Afghanistan with him! You will be posted there as postmaster at our embassy!
Aide 1:
Mr President, Sir! I really think Mr Powell needs to be consulted about all this. After all, he is the Secretary of State...
Mickey:
Hey guys! This is great stuff! Keep going like this and we topple the Simpsons!
Dubya:
There you are! And another thing! Post this Powell guy to Saudi Arabia, in time for operation 'Gulf Oil 3'! Let's see how he talks then. This meeting is closed, and next week we are discussing regime changes in seven other countries. The list will be tabled at the meeting.
Last minute problems developed with the supply of Thai workers for the Santa Claus Brigade, when it was discovered that a very tall Santa Claus was no other than Bin Laden himself. He was summarily dismissed with one week's pay, and efforts are being made to recruit in Indonesia and Malaysia instead.
Our correspondent has found out that many suitcases are being packed in the Central Intelligence Agency and at the State Department, which must be a sign of the coming Christmas break. While the list of candidates for RC remains top-secret for the time being, all efforts are being made in order to disclose the candidates to the readers of Al-Ahram Weekly first.
* Haim Bresheeth is an Israeli academic and peace activist living and working in London. He is the co-editor (with Nira Yubal-Davis) of The Gulf War and the New World Order, published by Zed Books, and co-author (with Stuart Hood) of Introduction to the Holocaust, published by Icon Books.
|
 |
|
|||||||||||||||||
| ARCHIVES Letter from the Editor Editorial Board Subscription Advertise! |
WEEKLY ONLINE: weekly.ahram.org.eg Updated every Thursday at 20.00 GMT, 10 pm local time weeklyweb@ahram.org.eg |
 Al-Ahram Organisation |
