Unwillingly single
How do unmarried women celebrate Egyptian Women's Day? asks Lina Mahmoud
Click to view caption |
"You know that the salary of a college graduate is not enough to get married on. That is why, as soon as I get my employment letter, we must break up!" (caricature by Hegazy)
|
"I don't know if I should accept or refuse a marriage proposal made by a divorced man who has a young daughter. He is mentally unstable and verbally abusive. I am 39 and still unmarried, and this may be my last chance for marriage. I am really anxious."
Friday's letters to the editor column, Al- Ahram, 14 March, 2003
Concerns similar to those of the woman who wrote to Al-Ahram last week are becoming increasingly common. While women in Egypt were once being married off too early, today a growing number of women are marrying late -- after the age of 30 -- and not because of any choice of their own.
The number of Egyptian men and women who have never been married has reached 8.98 million, out of which 32 per cent are men and 21 per cent are women, stated a 1996 demographic survey published in the Annual Statistics Book for June 2000.
These numbers may not seem huge in comparison with Egypt's total population of 67 million people. However, they represent an increase in comparison with the past, explained Madiha El-Safti, professor of sociology at the American University in Cairo and author of a recent study entitled "Why aren't Egyptians getting married?" published last December in the monthly Weghat Nazar.
In a society that considers the family as the social nucleus, marriage after 30 is considered very late. The socially acceptable age for marriage is the early 20s for women and late 20s for men.
"Society still regards marriage as sacred. A person is religious enough only if married. Marriage protects one from sin. Furthermore, despite the delay in the age of marriage, society still does not accept the idea of pre-marital relationships," El-Safti told Al-Ahram Weekly.
"In Egypt a woman is supposed to be controlled by a man who takes care of her and prevents her from doing wrong. This is why an unmarried woman is socially unaccepted," explained Nawla Darweish, a feminist activist of the New Women Research Centre.
Hend, a 34-year-old secretary, longs for "marriage, stability and beautiful kids". However, she has yet to meet the right person. Finding a potential husband is no easy task. "Every day my mother asks me, 'What are you going out for? If you can't find a groom what are you doing out there?'" Hend says she feels as if everyone around her, especially her family, blames her for not having married.
"Social pressure can become so unbearable that a woman will marry anyone just to get rid of peoples' suspicious looks and relieve her family," said El-Safti.
Hence Hoda's plight. A 32-year-old tailor who lives and works in Imbaba, a low- income district of Cairo, she has failed to marry. "My neighbours used to bring me prospective grooms and I really tried hard to choose one of them. But it didn't work. When I turned 30, people started avoiding me and my mother," said Hoda, who is now preparing to marry a carpenter she had refused earlier.
Gilan, a 29-year-old kindergarten teacher, complains that she cannot date male colleagues. "It is socially unacceptable [to date co-workers]. But men are scared of marriage commitments and they only want to hang out with girls. I can't blame them. Marriage is very expensive."
Social constraints are enhanced by economic factors. According to a recent World Bank and Ministry of Planning report, "Poverty Reduction in Egypt: Diagnosis and Strategy", 10.7 million individuals live under the poverty line in Egypt and 17 per cent of the population is unemployed.
Amal, who is 32 years old and works as a salesperson, has been saving for her trousseau for the past 13 years. "I never had the chance to get to know the person I was supposed to marry. I was engaged three times but it never worked out," she said. Today she is engaged to her cousin. Although she doesn't love him, she hopes they will understand and respect each other. They are waiting for her fiancé to save enough money to buy an apartment before getting married.
"Young women and men from middle- class families are further victimised by superficial and expensive marriage traditions," explained El-Safti. "This is a characteristic of middle-class, conservative families. The upper class does not face financial constraints, while the lower classes don't cling to marriage traditions they cannot afford and can get married with the least expenses."
"If my parents were less rigid and more understanding, I could have been married 10 years ago," said the newly-married 33- year-old Elham. Elham is from an upper- middle-class family, yet her father is the sole decision maker. "He wanted me to marry the right person, namely a rich man who can afford to buy an expensive wedding ring, the shabka, a suitable apartment and a lot of other things. He finally showed up after 10 years of waiting," she added.
Women who are marrying late because of economic and social constraints are further plagued by the fear that they will never have children.
Leading fertility expert Mohamed Abul- Ghar recently published an article in Weghat Nazar discussing the relationship between a woman's age and her fertility. "Women's fertility increases gradually from the age of 15 until the age of 25. It decreases gradually until the age of 35, after which it decreases rapidly until it disappears in the early 40s." Abul-Ghar said that hundreds of thousands of Egyptians cannot give birth because of late marriages.
While in the West assisted fertility procedures have helped many women start families later in life, in Egypt the service is too expensive for many infertile women and men. Aside from the financial constraints, Abul-Ghar said that women at the age of 25 have a 50 per cent chance of success with assisted fertility procedures. At the age of 35, the success rate is 35 per cent. It decreases to 15 per cent at the age of 40 and five per cent after the age of 42.
Furthermore, the health of children born to mothers who are over 35 is also an issue. "Out of every 100 women over 40, there is a chance that one will give birth to a deformed child," said Khaled Rashid, professor of gynaecology at Al-Qasr Al- Aini. Women who give birth after the age of 40 are five times more likely to have a child with a birth defect than women giving birth at the age of 25.
"Women are always afraid. Once they become 25, they start panicking about getting married. If they are engaged, they become afraid of breaking off the engagement. After marriage, they fear divorce and giving birth," explained psychologist Alaa Morsi. These fears are often reflected as psychosomatic symptoms. For example, a woman may suffer from joint pain even though she does not have arthritis or a rheumatic illness. "The psychological pain and stress can result in serious health problems such as irritable colon, shortness of breath, or even lung cancer," Morsi added.
"Every day, I go out for work and see children holding their mothers' hands and I despair. I know that no one is going to ask for my hand in marriage because I'm not pretty," said Shahira, 36, who works in a textile and clothing factory in the satellite city Sixth of October.
