The shape of things to come

The other day, scientists reported that they believed the world was shaped like a soccer ball. I knew that. Considering how popular soccer is, it's plain to me that after eons of trying to decide what to look like, the globe eventually went for the kind of shape its people like most. (This theory is, albeit, flawed because if it were true, then in the next sighting, we might look like a slice of pizza).

Still, I wasn't the least bit surprised by the finding. I also knew that Germany would win the women's World Cup final which was played on Sunday. I know it's easy to say who won after the fact. Safer, too. It might even sound like cheating. But that's not the case. It's just that I hate making predictions. Finding a dodo bird is more likely than me correctly forecasting who's going to win.

But I knew Germany would do it. Scoring 23 goals in five games en route to the final, Germany's attack was ferocious. Its defence was not bad either, letting in only three goals thanks to the inspirational Kerstin Stegeman and the almost flawless Silke Rottenberg in goal. But perhaps what helped Germany most was that the real threats had all exited early. Hosts, defending champions and the First Ladies of soccer, the Americans, Olympic champions Norway, Brazil and 1999 finalists China all were swept under the rug, leaving Germany to reign supreme. Finalist opponent Sweden was on a roll but the Swedes played the best country never to have won the cup and it was doubtful Germany would have let such a golden opportunity slip away. Thank God I was right -- and thank God nobody can prove it if I wasn't.

I may not be as good, though, at predicting the future of women's soccer in the United States. The crystal ball says there is no future, at least in the short term, for the sport and those who play it. That's because the US professional women's soccer league, the WUSA, shut down on 15 September for lack of funds.

The folding of WUSA after just three years is just one more calamity to befall soccer in the United States. It puts women's soccer in particular in a real bind. In any country, in any sport, male or female, it is the league that produces and hones talent. No league, no talent.

Women's football beyond America will also suffer. Forty-five players from nine countries demonstrated their stuff in WUSA which was considered the best women had to offer, where the finest football was played. Now they return home to second-rate leagues in which their standard is bound to drop -- as well as the level of the national teams which they play on.

Try as it might, the sport just cannot make it in the United States, and the reasons are all well-known. For one, there's all those other sports Americans are so fond of. The US soccer team had a far easier time against North Korea at one World Cup game than in drawing TV viewers as it went head-to-head with baseball. The soccer game produced an overnight rating of 1.8 (one rating point represents about 735,000 TV homes). In contrast, three baseball games drew an average rating of a whopping 14.5.

Soccer is not American-TV friendly either. Stations are committing financial suicide by broadcasting 45 minutes at a stretch -- twice -- without airing a single commercial.

Again, Americans, used to watching sports in which players have fairly good control of a ball because they use their hands, find it hard to get involved in a game where the feet are doing most of the work but -- since feet will be feet -- losing the ball an awful lot as well.

And even those who appreciate the finer points about soccer criticise the girls' game as plodding. They admit that while the women can do virtually everything the men can, they do it slower. It's almost, they say, like watching men play in slow motion.

The reasons for soccer not making it in the US are plenty; the answers few. A radical approach is thus needed. One way to revive the women's game is for women spectators in the stands and watching TV to start acting like men (no, don't start picking your nose). If it is agreed that men aren't going to watch women's professional soccer in sufficient enough numbers to keep a league afloat, then it's up to female spectators to start watching -- and behaving like their male counterparts. The success of all professional sports in the US depends heavily on the willingness of men to become pathetic, obsessive, blathering, money-spending morons over their favourite teams and players. It's time that you women did the same.

The male detractors of women's pro- sports insist that women don't attend or watch games in huge numbers because the product is inferior. But the truth may be that women simply choose to invest most of their emotional energy in areas such as family, friends and work. In other words, the inability of women's pro-football to approach the popularity of anything men have to offer may be an indication that female fans are more mature and emotionally healthier than their male counterparts.

But perhaps women should start imitating a truly committed male fan. Perhaps it's the best way for women's soccer to reach mainstream America. Players like Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain couldn't quite do the trick. Maybe acting like an idiot will. So join the fun ladies. You have nothing to lose but your dignity. And remember, the whole world is right behind you.