Restaurant review:
Frontal assault
We noticed the skulls only moments before the double barrels came in sight
The roof slants and tilts its head, looking perhaps for the lost vistas of snow-capped horizons. It squints, brick eyelashes almost crashing onto the dusty sidewalk. I have passed the mock façade of Tirol many times before, and didn't know what to make of it. An establishment naming itself after a mountainous province in Austria, a lush paradise inhabited by 50 people per square kilometre, what hope has it of retaining any self- respect in this maddening bustle of Mohandessin? An identity crisis must be in the offing, I think, as my squad of impending diners traverse the street level passage leading to the side door. Tables line up in the passage, in plastic comfort, offering the exquisite prospect of open-air dining with the added bonus of aroma therapy; shisha -scented car exhaust.
The door we open introduces us into a waiting hall, with a typewriter placed over a sewing machine. The wall behind the typewriter is draped with a school map. Around the place more exhibits navigate the white-washed walls, as if waiting for a cane-wielding part-Hungarian tutor to point out their purpose. Women in Swiss national dress are transfixed on framed, painted glass. Ostrich feathers lean languorously against the column in the main dining area, underneath a framed lobster. A two-handed harvesting implements throws its arms up in the air. A proliferation of little antlers, attached to look-alike skulls, girdles the top end of the walls, enhancing the rustic restfulness. At their sight, we grow hungry.
Had we been in a hunting contest, the day would have been won by the one who never fired a shot. The husband of one companion, road-jammed on the way from the downtown office, radios in the urgent request, "just order me anything." The wife, no doubt mindful of his heart condition, gets him the ham platter for starters and two beef sausages for main course. These turn out to be the best entries of the whole night. The ham, undulating in thin slices, hemmed in with snow-coloured fat, arrives with cucumber pickles and chopped radish, looking like a worthy accompaniment to village wine, to chapel hymns at sundown, to a tryst between the chambermaid and a deserting Napoleonic soldier in the abandoned mansion of a deceased baroness. The sausages of the Veal Bratwurst, long and thick, like double barrels of a shotgun, are packed with the power of Bavarian assault, calibrated by an advance party of sauerkraut. As he saws off the tender endings, the ostrich feathers overhead tremble ever so slightly. The shrimps in the namesake cocktail are few, but the surrounding cream is fresh like the grass at an early morning duel. My initial excitement about the Hawaiian steak doesn't survive the soulless tactics of meat coated with canned pineapple, topped with the atrocity of local mozzarella. The beef stroganoff is slightly better, and the accompanying homemade noodles are fresh from their steamy exercise, salty sweat bathing their litheness. The meat on the Tirol Pfandl is tough and way too manly, its coat of brownish lubricant more impressive than tasty.
For dessert, we share an Austrian apple pie strudel, cinnamon-flavoured and excessively sweet. The Coupe Denmark, a vanilla ice cream perched on a mire of thick chocolate syrup is worth exploring the fathoms of the immense serving glass.
Competent waiters, dressed in white shirts, black waistcoats and matching pants, with a burgundy apron, add class to the establishment, which contains four rooms, 92 wall hangings, six antique coffee grinders and a sizeable bronze pony. The walls are white washed and the panelled windows well-sealed, blocking the noise but not the view of cars getting annoyed by pedestrians. The restaurant, I am told, is owned by Egyptians and Swiss nationals and affiliated with similar outlets in Europe.
Tirol, 38 Geziret Al-Arab, Mohandessin, tel: 344 9725, is suitable for a relaxing, conversational evening. For gatherings of up to a dozen people, you may want to engage the middle, semi-private dining room with the beautiful square table. Ambiance: grandma misplaced her hunting gear. Alcoholic beverages available. Dinner for four: LE340 including tips.
By Nabil Shawkat
