Golden rules
Amira El-Naqeeb wonders if there is such a thing as a perfect relationship
For years I had heard nothing but complaints about significant others -- from women puzzling over male behaviour they could not understand, and men saying that the more they open up in the attempt to explain such behaviour, the more trouble they get into -- when, catching me as it were on the brink of despair, a workshop seemed to answer many of the incumbent questions.
Yasser Nasr, lecturer of psychiatry at Cairo University and one of the panelists at the workshop, spoke of love, understanding and respect -- the golden triangle that makes a relationship work -- his model being a successful and healthy marriage: "Understanding and respect are the more important. Once you have them, love can develop over time; but it does not work the other way round." Having the same sense of purpose -- the same goal or mission -- is the single most vital element for maintaining understanding and respect, he says. For many women, the only goal is to have children; and many men marry out of the desire to maintain their chastity. All are legitimate, so long as both partners seek the same kind of satisfaction in a relationship. What he says seems self-evident, but it is equally something that many young and clueless people fail to take into account -- with disastrous consequences. Engineer Salma El-Said, 25, says that more often than not people plunge straight into the fray without knowing why: "But if they are both ignorant of their motives, how on earth are they expected to make a relationship work, let alone do it together." Another young engineer, Ibtihal, stresses the fact that a marriage is a partnership from day one: both parties are equally responsible for it, she insists, no matter what the failures of one of them.
Others referred to John Gray, author of the relationship bible, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, whose principle insight is perhaps the fact that there are essential differences between men and women, and that understanding them is vital for the success of a relationship. While the insight is widely acknowledged, few have read, let alone benefited from the books; and so they end up offering their own takes on such difference. Most remain by and large unable to deal with them. IT consultant Mohamed Sayed, 25, finds that his problem with women is their being emotional and irrational; a friend of mine put it in rather more exasperated terms, "what do women want? However much you try to please them, you can never do enough!" I realised before he told me that there was trouble with his fiancée. "You can't ignore your work and give them your full attention all the time, can you?" Of course, such frustration has its diametrical opposite in women like Nada, another friend of mine, complaining of the "senseless practicality" of her partner, who repeatedly fails to "contain" her anger. "Men need to make more effort to understand and not judge us. Such anger needs validation, it calls for compassion, not aggressive silence, practical solutions or telling us to our faces that -- all things considered -- we are to be held responsible."
Nasr blames hormones, the effect of which is particularly evident during the premenstrual and pregnancy period, and nursing: mood swings, the need for more emotional support. Men's psychology is on the whole not subject to hormones but, Nasr adds, "I guess they too are changing, becoming very moody themselves." Nasr does have four golden rules for resolving trouble in paradise: acceptance -- you should never attempt to change your partner; self-expression -- never bottle up negative energy; appreciation -- do not take your partner for granted; and, finally, honesty -- be honest to yourself first, then it is easier to be honest to your partner. And you have to be especially honest about your purpose and goals, what you want out of life (as if anybody has any clue about that!). But I was nodding as he spoke, mumbling a quotation the source of which I forget: "If you do not have a destination, any road will take you."
The big question, rather, is how to choose the right partner, and how far to compromise. According to dentist Aiyah Taha, "there are four 'w's and an 'h': why get married; when is the right time to get married; where the person to marry is; what we want to get out of the marriage; and how we think we might make it work. In the end, she adds, "it is faith that matters, whether or not you have the perfect answers to these questions in your head. They are important of course, but I believe marriage is an instance of Providence and God is the provider." Preacher Mustafa Hosni, while agreeing with the latter statement, believes it is necessary to plan ahead: "setting your priorities right and being clear about your intentions from the beginning is very important, because it will help you judge by the right criteria." One step that many couples overlook, he says, is "getting to know each other well enough within the boundaries set down by their faith" during the engagement period. Hosni also stresses choosing someone from a similar social background. On the rise is the tendency to think of women as "arm candy", as Yussra Ahmed, 25, puts it: "a friend of mine proposed to a girl he had seen at a wedding because he liked her dress!" Hosni too laments the unrealistic expectations of men, raised by satellite TV, while Taha regrets the fact that the globalisation of the media has standardised conceptions of beauty.
It is pertinent to remember, says Nasr, that verbal communication represents no more than seven per cent of what is actually being said: some 38 per cent depends on the tone of voice, and 55 on body language. Couples should see each other in a full range of situations and not focus on outward appearances before they make a commitment. As Hosni says, the most common complaints -- men don't listen, women are stubborn -- result from a conception of marriage as a battlefield in which each partner is striving to mark their territory. Strive to please, he says, and it will be a win-win situation (but only, one should add, if your partner is doing the same). Lack of a sense of responsibility is another issue, Hosni says: "when a high percentage of both sexes is neither religiously nor culturally educated, I would say 50 per cent of the people I meet, they don't know their duties towards each other..." In the end the bottom line is that life will never be easy, we have to work hard for success and, well, it takes two to tango. Unless we listen, therefore, there will be no such thing as happily ever after.
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